The Hot List: Satan’s Top Five Celebrity Souls
Couple things before I get started here. Don’t call me “The Devil.” It’s rude. For someone like me, who has been named by almost every different ethnic group on the planet, being called something as trite as “The Devil” is incredibly belittling. Lucifer, Satan, Beelzebub and Stanley all work for me, so pick one. Stop being childish.
I’m here because there’s been a lot of talk lately about people selling their souls to me and what not. While I won’t deny that soul selling is a common practice, for humans to speculate on who has or has not sold a soul is as pathetic as your meaningless existence. Your feeble minds barely have the capacity to understand what your souls even are, so to babble on and about who still has one annoys me to no end.
Still though, I feel like its incumbent upon me to clear up some things. I work hard for the souls I get and every one becomes sacred to me in the war against the light. Because of this, I have decided to identify some of the higher profile souls I’ve managed to procure over the years. Since you humans seem to care only about the members of your species that attain notoriety, so I’ll be focusing on some names you might know.
Before we get started, the following people HAVE NOT sold their souls to me despite notions to the contrary.
Jay-Z: Never met the man or heard from him, my guess is because you have to have a soul to sell one.
Kanye West: Called on me several times in his early days, but I refused him each time for fear that his incessant bitching and weirdness would ruin my eternity. Also, I don’t need someone trying to redecorate hell. Let Jesus and his dad deal with that nonsense.
Bill Gates/Mark Zuckerberg: Didn’t need my help. They’re just smarter than you. Deal with it.
Now to the ones who I was “blessed” (LOL) enough to steal…
5. Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay came to me at a very young age. It normally takes a little more mortal struggle for humans to make the genius decision that a lifetime of celebrity is worth an eternity of being burned alive. Lindsay however, called upon me at the age of six. Although that is below the required age of 12 needed to sell a soul, her mother was willing and eager to give spiritual consent for Lindsay to become my minion. Her younger sister has had no contact with me, and that’s why you can’t recall her name right now.
She was an awkward, freckled faced and firecrotched loser who wanted to be beautiful, talented, and always on everybody’s mind. I obliged her by using my dark physical powers to remove her distracting freckles and to grow a pair of soft and delectable breasts that would make young human boys manipulate themselves to her image. I also spiritually altered her brain, making her an actress of considerable range and timing. I greatly enjoyed “Mean Girls.”
The Lucifer Letdown:
Lindsay only asked to be beautiful and famous. She asked for no dignity, tact, self respect or control. Therefore I was able to saddle her with a couple of nasty demons including addiction and lust, making her the most likely actress in Hollywood to perform fellatio to a taxi driver giving her a ride to a crackhouse. Recently, I’ve also been able to influence her to steal necklaces, which I think will be just the first step in her total collapse. She’ll be a vagrant by 2015. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAAH…..
4. Chris Brown
Chris called out to me early in his career as a gangly and even tempered youth who wanted to sing and dance. He reminded me of a soul I greatly coveted but could never land, Michael Jackson. I used almost every trick in the book to land Michael, only to find out that he was actually Jesus’ 2nd cousin and above any type of sin or corruption. Chris was my second chance to have the biggest Pop star in the world, and when he came to me I got him.
When Chris was just starting out his career, his singing was already at a level that even the most evil being in existence could enjoy. However his dancing was behind that of homoerotic pop stars Usher and Omarion. Chris knew his dreams of being Michael Jackson were impossible to accomplish unless he could move his feet in ways to inspire humans, so he offered me his immortal soul in exchange for mastery of the dance. I used underworld magic to give him this mastery. He now has the ability to do a wide range of dances in ways that make people try them when no one is looking.
The Lucifer Letdown:
Chris asked to be the world’s best dancer in order to be more like Michael Jackson, but he said nothing of the compassion and childlike aura that made Michael so special. Because of this, I was able to give him the dancing, but make him anti-Michael in every other way. The Rihanna incident was just the tip of the iceberg with this raging maniac. Under my control he’s actually written several songs about his desire to kill animals and small children that he is just waiting to release. When he snaps for good, it will be an incredible sight. He’ll go on a stabbing spree while backflippling, jerking and doing an intensely violent dougie. MUUUUUUUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!
3. R. Kelly
When he first called upon me Robert was singing for quarters outside Chicago L Trains like a piece of human slime. He would constantly get arrested for his illicit crooning, as his Negro skin offended and taunted white commuters. Having grown up in the church, Robert was initially very unsure of his decision. It was only after I sent a she-demon to visit his filthy bed that he finally succumbed to the passion and sold me his soul.
Robert was smarter and more precise then both Lindsay and Chris. He didn’t want any enhancements in his physical gifts, which are things that would deteriorate with time anyway. No, Robert wanted to be a master of inspiration. He wanted to be able to write songs that would in one moment inspire humans to fornicate in carnal lustcapades, and then in the next instance make them want to cry out with life affirming glee. I gave him this gift. I gave him the lustful core needed to write “Bump and Grind” and the intrinsic perspective needed for tunes like “I Believe I Can Fly.” He won’t be flying though, he’ll be playing the 5’clock show in the Lake of Fire for eons to come, HAHAHAHAHMUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA. Enough.
The Lucifer Letdown:
In addition to the talents I gave Robert, I also imbued him with a destructive desire for vagina that hath not the ability to grow hair. He craves the type of human female that still watches Dora the Explorer and Hannah Montana. He recently revealed to me that he has a strong desire to tour with Justin Bieber so that he can catch some “Young Ho Overflow” as he called it. He is the pied piper, and he uses my dark gifts to lead the children away. As much as I thought that this desire would be his undoing, it hasn’t. It seems that I may have overcompensated in the gifts I gave him because his songs seem to make humans forget that he has sex with pre-teen, training bra consumers. Sigh, I’ll never understand why you talking monkeys are so precious to God…
2. Sarah Palin
Sarah was a nearly illiterate Alaskan Beauty Queen when she came to me asking for a career in Politics. She intrigued me for two reasons initially. One was that I normally fornicate with all my female minions, yet I had no desire to touch her in any way. I still don’t. Two, she was strangely ambitious for someone who had trouble tying her shoes.
Very simply, Sarah wanted to be President of the United States. She said that she didn’t care how I made this happen for her; she just wanted it to happen. Since I couldn’t turn back time to give her the type of pedigree she’d need to be the President, I decided to go the other way. I made her extraordinarily ordinary, which some stupid humans see as a virtue to be a leader. I actually had to decline her request to be President though, that won’t happen. When I want there to be Hell on Earth I’ll create it, it won’t be because I put a numskull in the White House. I’m evil, not stupid. Sarah will have to settle for her Fox News celebrity and former Governorship.
The Lucifer Letdown:
There is not really one here. She was dense when I met her, and she’s dense now, I did nothing to change that. Really, the Lucifer Letdown here is you. All of you who worship this cretin remind me why I despise your species so. I literally watched her struggle to operate a DVD player once, yet scores of you hang on her every word. I outdid myself on this one. HOHEHEHHAHAHAHAHAHMUAHAHAHA. Don.
I had been trying to get Kobe Bryant’s soul for some time when Lebron contacted me and told me that he would be willing to give up not only his soul, but the souls of everyone in Cleveland/Akron for basketball glory. He sold his soul to me, and in turn those fans sold their souls to him. Cleveland now knows it got a raw deal, but Lebron won’t find that out until he’s catching alley-oops in million degree weather a billion years from now. HOHAHAHHEEEHAAHAHAHAHHAHHHAHAMUHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA. Stop.
Lebron said he wanted to be a force of basketball nature, the most dominating physical specimen ever to play a sport that human talking monkeys take way too seriously. I obliged him. I made him fast, strong, explosive in ways that most other athletes could only dream of. I also gave him a flat, pug nose that makes him look like a dog of basketball or a hound of the hardwood. I feel his doggish features aid him on the basketball court in a myriad of ways.
The Lucifer Letdown:
I screwed him on the intangibles. I gave him very little competitiveness or passion, and on top of it I made him afraid of big moments. Lebron’s talent is sort of like a 12 year old girl with DD breasts in that it’s amazing to look at, but you can’t really do anything with it. Despite this, Lebron might be my most valuable soul right now. He’s everywhere, acting ridiculous and inspiring impressionable young humans to do the same. Wait until you see what he and I have in store for the future as well. MUHA. MUHAHAHAH. HEHAHOHEEHEHEHEHEHEHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Laughter ends.
That’s it for now. There are of course many more, but these are the ones making my job easy right now. And for all of you perspective business partners, remember If you need me just call. HAHAHAHA HOAOAOAHAHAHHHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHHNHAHAHAHUHAHAHAHAHAA. No more humor.