Once again, our crack staff at Sicklemaster.com has uncovered breaking news regarding the world of sports. This time it comes from the NFL, as we’ve learned of a phone call between former Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre and Superbowl MVP Aaron Rodgers that took place late last night. Even though the call was congratulatory in nature, it’s apparent that things aren’t all rosy between these two former teammates. Here is the EXCLUSIVE transcript of the event.
: (people in the background laughing and cheering) Hello, this is the MUTHAFUCKIN MVP! WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU!
: Hello Aaron?
: Yeah, this is Aaron the CHAMPION. Who is this?
: It’s Brett.
: Wait. Let me walk into the other room…. Ok. You mean Brett as in Favre?
: Yeah, it’s me. You don’t have my number saved?
: Oh, well feel free to go ahead and lock those digits in my man. I was just calling to holler at ya and tell ya how proud of you I am for finishing the job.
: You there?
: I’m here.
: Like I was saying, I know how tough it can be to make it to the end and achieve that goal, and I just wanted let you know how much it meant to me to see the Pack back on top.
: Awesome. Ok. I’m gonna go now, good luck with your indecision this off-season, see you on the field next year.
: Wait, Aaron. Don’t go yet man. Let’s talk legacy here. Let’s talk about what this win means for you now.
: Dude, I don’t really care about all that stuff. I’m just happy we won.
: I can tell you don’t care. It shows in the uninspired way you play the game. I’m here to let you know that if you continue down that path, you’ll never be half the folk hero I am.
: Wow. Brett I think we just have different ways of expressing ourselves on the field , but they both won championships so,
: That’s it. The gloves are off with you. You call what you do expression? What, the little belt thing? Get outta here man. Expression is celebrating every completion with a tearful cartwheel. Expression is running the length of the field and jumping on to a grown man’s back, knocking him to the ground with your homoerotic joy. Expression is-
: Showing a girl how much you like her by sending her a picture of your pathetic flaccid penis?
: You’re god damned right it is. She’ll remember me forever, dude. My cock is just like my career in that you can’t call it a winner, but once you’ve seen it you’ll never forget it.
: Brett, I just want to play the game, OK. I want to play the game and win championships and have unprotected sex with models who are in my age range. Speaking of that, do you have Jenn’s number still? I want to put baby oil on her.
: Still trying to follow in my footsteps huh? Playing for my team, winning my Super Bowls, trying to toot and boot the same ho’s I did. Listen kid, why don’t you get your own identity.
: My identity is the reigning Super Bowl MVP. Unlike some, I didn’t let any return men steal my glory.
: Now we’re hitting below the belt. Screw you kid. MVP or not, whenever I see highlights from that Super Bowl it’s me running down the field after my TD throw, helmet in the sky looking like the folk heroiest muthafucka that has ever lived. You don’t have that and you never will.
: Yes I will. I’m the people’s champ. I’ll win the rings, amass the stats, and they’ll love me.
: You know, I’m sitting here in these REAL. COMFORTABLE. JEANS. And I’m realizing that you don’t have the faintest Idea of what the hell you’re talking about. No matter what you do you’ll never be the folk hero I am.
: I just don’t see how you can say that. I just one a ring in my third year as starter, give me some reasons why I can’t be as big a legend or “folk hero” as you.
: The first one is geography. You’re from California, I’m from Mississippi.
: So what? What does that mean?
: It means that the chances that my family owned slaves is about 97%. America LOVES slave owners and their descendants.
: That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard of. Name me some “beloved” slave owners.
: Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Robert E. Lee. Boom goes the dynamite bitch, in your face.
: I still don’t agree with that, it sounds-
: You know what; you’re not even the biggest folk hero on your OWN TEAM! John Kuhn is. Every time he touches the ball everyone yells KUUUUUUUUUUUUHN.
: So? What does the chant have to do with anything?
: I mean, are they saying Kuhn as in the player or are they using his name as an excuse to identify the majority of the guys out there that are making plays? Are they saying Kuhn with a K, or Coon with a C? Who knows? Do they even know? That’s what this folk hero shit is all about. Letting people love you for strictly white reasons.
: And I don’t do that?
: C’mon man. You run with the damn ball. You’re from a place called “Chico.” You went to school in Berkeley with a bunch of hemp wearing hippies and liberals. You’re the least white guy in the league besides Shockey. You’re not fit to lead the Packers.
: You know what? I just decided I don’t want to be a folk hero. You’ve convinced me. I want to be a silky smooth QB assassin with multiple rings and a low interception total. So, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to the party in my honor. I wish you all the luck in the world Brett. Don’t call back, like, ever.
: I knew he couldn’t handle it.