I haven’t written about the Saints in a while, and there is a reason for that. The reason is that I’ve been too busy enjoying them to write about them. I’ve been playing Madden AS THE SAINTS. I’ve been going out to the corner of Sunset and La Brea here in Hollywood and pointing to my official NEW ORLEANS SAINTS WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP SHIRT, alerting the passing cars of the fact that we RULE THE FOOTBALL WORLD. For me there is one simple fact that rules my Saints related thoughts right now, one truth that leads me into this Black and Gold euphoria I currently reside in.

No one can take it away. We won. We finally won. Game, set, match. Champions until someone takes it, I love it.

I will admit that being THE CLASS OF THE NFL was a bit of an adjustment. Dealing with one thing in particular was new for me as a Saints fan. Jealousy, the Jealousy of other fans.  Jealousy is an evil green skinned vixen with sublime and sizzling loins that captivate her suitors. Falcons fans know her. Vikings fans know her. Cowboys fans are basically living with her, fornicating with their feelings of inadequacy in a gaudy new apartment.

One symptom of jealousy is hating. Now I’m not talking about the type of hating where you get mad at someone because they don’t like your Spongebob shirt and you say “you’re just a hater.” I’m talking about the type where someone goes out of their way to say something negative. That’s real hating, the genuine article. I’ve been dealing with this brand of hating as I display my South Louisiana pride to the people of Los Angeles. Because of L.A. having no NFL football team, what you have out here is a melting pot of fans from all over the country. Since the boys from the Bayou raised that trophy, that melting pot of fans has become a boiling hot cauldron of haters. They nitpick. They say slick under-the-breath type stuff. It’s pretty  Sad.

Well, to all you haters out there, I’m going to give you some help. I’m going to give you some insight on what NOT to bother us about. What you don’t even need to waste your time on. These are the things we couldn’t care less about, even if you try to use them for a hate assault.

5. Reggie Bush’s Heisman Trophy Issues

One of my friends texted me yesterday and said “How does it feel to know that you won’t have a Heisman Trophy winner on your team come Monday morning?”

Sigh.

The reasons why we don’t give a frog’s fat ass about this should be obvious, but since some continue to bring it up as if it would make us sad or something, I’ll enlighten you. First off, Reggie Bush went to USC. Most of us Saints fans either don’t care about USC, or hate them with a searing white hot passion. Because of this fact, anything that happens to USC, or any current Saints players because of their days at USC, we don’t really effing care about. Reggie was accepting money, so they may take his best college dude award. It affects the black and gold nation how again? Should we care if it comes to light that Drew was suspended from school for fighting in the 8^th grade? (Which would NEVER happen. His conduct and demeanor are as perfect as the spirals he tortures the opposition with) No, of course we wouldn’t. Furthermore, and I hate to piss off all the USC peeps, but I don’t think Reggie himself even cares. As a matter of fact, I know he doesn’t and I’ll tell you how I know. He dated Kim Kardashian. He dated, for like four years, a girl that I watch get impaled by a fleshy black hood missile when I’m feeling sexy. Nothing against Kim, she seems like a perfectly nice person. Not her fault that her ex boyfriend put out their intimate tapes for me to be alone with. Still though, don’t know if I could quite pull the trigger on that relationship. I’m too much of a regular human with insecurities and stuff. Reggie on the other hand, doesn’t seem to care about the opinion of anyone who he can run faster than, which is just about everyone. Hell, if he cared, he wouldn’t even be losing the award because he wouldn’t have thrown USC under the bus the way he did. If they do take the trophy from him, I wouldn’t be surprised if Reggie had his own Heisman made. His would be severely enlarged in the crotch area, and If would have an inscription that read “I scored all the Touchdowns. I caught all the passes. I ran all the runs. In light of those facts, the first part of this trophy that you notice is the part of me you need to get off.” In any case, as long as he keeps the defense honest and doesn’t fumble, me and Reggie are okay, Heisman or not.

4. Pain Killers and the Head Coaches who love them

Let me preface this section by stating that we COULD care about this. If like a bunch of people got suspended by Goodell or something, we definitely COULD care. But in terms of embarrassment, like being embarrassed that our HC might be dipping into the company Vicodin? GTFO of here. I’ve heard this one from all my non-Saints loving friends; your coach is a drug addict, blah, blah, blah. My question is, if our coach is popping pills, why isn’t yours? Shouldn’t you want him to be? Maybe the Vicodin is the reason that our guy is SO much smarter than yours. The friend that gives me the most heat about this is a Bears fan. My suggestion to him is that he arranges for a caseload of Vicodin to be sent to Lovie Smith and a caravan of it to be Fedex’ed to Jay Cutler, because they aren’t getting the effing job done up there in Soldier Field. You know what? Forget about Vicodin, THEY COULD CATCH PAYTON WITH A BRICK OF PURE PERUVIAN WHITE GIRL AND I WOULDN’T CARE. He could coach the games high and I mean that. Personally, I think if he was high we might be even more potent. We would never punt and Payton would be jammed up through the roof on every down. I endorse this. Keep (allegedly) popping Sean, and keep (actually) winning.

3. Your Bullshit Sympathy and Backhanded Compliments

Newsflash, we didn’t win a Super Bowl because of a hurricane. If we win this year, it won’t be because of an oil spill. If you think either one of these things can crush the spirit of my home state or region, you’ve never been there. It’s nice that you felt bad for us after Katrina (hope you donated), or that you feel bad about the BP oil spill (buy 10 lbs of Gulf Shrimp) but it has nothing to do with Football. We don’t care that you wanted us to win “even though you think we might not have been the best team.” We don’t want your sympathy, we want your respect. If you say “Peyton Manning is the best QB but Drew Brees is my favorite,” you think that does something for me? My guy number 9 stood toe to toe with Peyton and beat him. Actually, my guy beat them all, so until further notice, my guy is the best. If you’re going to kiss our asses, do it us because of our incredible offense or our opportunistic defense. Listen, no one minds having their ass kissed. We’re human, we like that. But everyone wants their ass kissed FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. For example, if you have a ten inch penis, you don’t want her talking about your cunnilingus skills. That’s like spitting in the face of your gifts. Having said that, let’s stop talking about natural disasters and sentimental garbage. We’re the big swinging Johnsons of the NFL right now, and we’d like to be known for length and girth, not for weather or mistakes by idiot companies. If you’re going to be a sycophant, be a competent one.

2. The National Media’s Dumb Ass Opinions

This whole section can be summed up in a transcript of a call I shared the other day with a pal who is an Indy Fan.

Dumb ass Indy Fan: Dude, ESPN says we’re going to win it all this year.

Sicklemaster: Oh yeah? Congrats on the ESPN preseason championship. Did you get to touch the John Clayton Trophy?

DAIF: Don’t be mad dude. We’re gonna be awesome again this year. The Super Bowl was a fluke bro. This time we’re going to finish the job, and everyone knows it.

SM: Okay.

DAIF:(angry)  Dude, there is NO WAY that the Saints will be good again and all the ESPN experts know it. Be happy you won your one Super Bowl, but now there’s a target on your back and it won’t be as ea-

SM: Hold on, do you hear that?

DAIF: Hear what?

SM: Tracy just caught the ball, he’s still running, pointing at the sky. Relive the pain.

Call disconnected.

1. The Vikings and Their Turnover Orgy in the NFC Championship game

“They’re probably the best overall team in the NFC.” “If they wouldn’t have turned the ball over the game may have turned out different.” “The Saints had the home field and then squeaked one out in overtime, it was just their year.”

Before I get to those opinions on the game, let’s go back in time. A few years ago, Memphis, led by Derrick Rose, was the talk of the College Basketball world. They were awesome. Athletes everywhere you looked. When it came time to do my Brackets for our work pool, I picked Kansas as my National Champion. Everyone looked at me like I was a damn fool. How could you go against Memphis? It was easy for me.  Memphis, for their entire all their athletic prowess, for all their jumping and running, were a TERRIBLE free throw shooting team. Not bad, terrible. In my estimation, the next time  a TERRIBLE free throw shooting team wins the NCAA tournament, it would be the first time. Hard to bet on a team that is deficient in such an important part of the game. They played Kansas in the championship and missed a whole gaggle of clutch free throws and then lost. That was their DNA, and it surfaced at the worst possible time.

Now to the Vikings. Offensively the team starts a running back, Adrian Petersen, and a Quarterback, Brett Favre, that are among the best in the game at their positions. They also both have a penchant for turning the ball over. Brett LOVES the big pick. It’s who he has always been. Now as I recall, the Vikings weren’t as horrible turning the ball over as the 2008 Memphis Tigers were at shooting free throws. But what happened to each team was that their DNA, the hidden part of them that lurks underneath, surfaced at the very worst time, the biggest moment. For the Vikings it became contagious and they played a sloppy, almost comically error prone game, which they lost. Guess what, THE SAINTS WERE ON THE FIELD AS WELL! We scored some touchdowns! We returned an overtime kickoff to midfield to set up a game winning field goal! We actually CAUGHT interceptions and recovered fumbles! Just like Mario Chalmers hit the big three to beat Memphis, we hit some big plays to beat The Vikings. Sure, the door was left open, but we walked through it. And guess what, that’s what’s in OUR DNA. We made big plays in big spots all year. Miami thought they had us beat, Washington thought they had us beat, Atlanta had us on ropes, but none of it mattered. You can’t just knock down these Saints, YOU HAVE TO FINISH US. And until you can, you’re not better than us. You’re just a team that choked where we didn’t, that crumbled under the moment that we thrived in. Yards don’t matter at that point, plays do, nuts do, and heart does. Until you have more of all three than these Saints, take your seat at the runner up table and be happy with it.

In closing, I’d just like to say I’m incredibly excited about the game tonight and about the start of the new season. I love this time of year. To all the other fans of other teams out there, please just try to concentrate on your guys please. It’s futile to try to rain on our parade, because it storms every other Mardi Gras, we’re used to it (it actually makes the t-shirts wet, which we like). Our parade will endure, and our team will make us proud, win or lose.